The Nordics Are Hella Gay
by dakalec
Summary: Crack as hell. Crossdressing, Finn addicted, quiet Swede. Avoidant 'manly' Finn. Strange Norwegian and crazy Dane. And to top it all off, a Icelandic teenage blogger who just got his heart ripped out. I'm sorry this happened.


**_((So yeah. I hecked up and wrote something at five in the morning after getting an anon on tumblr saying "the Nordics are hella gay". This is what came out. Crack characters. Welp, a million warnings ahead.))_**

"I'm home!" Emil called from the front door, hanging his coat up before heading into the den, where everyone was sure to be. To his shock, only Berwald and Tino sat on the couch, far too close together. Emil didn't need to see Tino's face to know he was uncomfortable.

"U-uh Berwald? What are you doing?" The small blond asked, leaning away a bit as Berwald leaned against him.

"Nothin'." Berwald dismissed, continuing moving closer until his face was against Tino's shoulder, both of their faces bright red.

"I hate to dismiss your love fest," Emil rolled his eyes as Tino's head snapped around, eyes wide and horrified, "But where is Lukas?"

"U-um the last I saw him was upstairs!" Tino squeaked as Berwald's lips ran over his neck. Tino squirmed, ending up on the couch leg, nearly falling off.

"Yeah, thanks." Emil sighed, giving one last glace to the pair on the couch as Berwald pulled Tino into his lap. He trotted up the stairs, stopping in his room and dropping his backpack off. He begun peeking into the other's rooms, trying to find his brother.

Instead, he found his brother's idiot boyfriend-not-boyfriend naked as could be.

That didn't really shock him either, although he did put his hands over his eyes, face heating a bit.

"Waldo is _so_ wrong! My dick is awesome!" Matthias insisted, more to himself then to anyone else.

"Um! Dan where is Nor?" He asked, closing his eyes beneath his hand. He knew, far too well, what the man looked like nude and he didn't even want to think about it.

"Oh hey, kid you are home! Lukas? Uhhhhhmmmm… he went out to take pictures. Said he won't be back for a few hours. Hey you won't believe what Waldo sa-"

"Thanks Dan." Emil escaped in time before having to hear about whatever conversation Matthias and Berwald had about dicks, which he thanked the gods for. Honestly, he wasn't sure if he could handle another one of those conversations.

Pictures? It wasn't like Lukas to go far. Usually he just wanted to escape.

Emil opened the door to the balcony, and looked down. Sure enough, Lukas lay in the grass, camera in hand, eyes closed. The white haired teen almost cracked a smile at his brother. Lukas needed to get away from Matthias sometimes, but he never really had to go far. It was rare for the Dane to figure out where Lukas actually went.

"Hey Nor." Emil leaned over the railing a bit, watching Lukas' blue eyes flicker open. "He rejected me today…"

"What do you need that Chinese kid for anyways?" Mattias opened another beer, offering it to Emil, who for once accepted. Leon, a boy Emil had a crush on for three years strong, rejected him that morning.

It wasn't harsh, but it felt like a slap in the face. Emil had thought it was all going well. He had finally befriended the boy and they were getting closer and closer. He had admitted his sexuality, and the boy didn't run from him. He actually openly accepted him. They had flirted, and Emil was sure they had made eyes at each other.

But, this morning, when Emil went to grab the hand of the boy he was sure would be his boyfriend in no time, Leon pulled away. I'm not queer, he said. I'm sorry, he said.

Emil cried in the bathroom through his first period, but got it together enough to go to his classes. He hid in the nurses office for lunch, snacking on the crackers the woman had forced him to eat. He felt actually ill from his emotions for almost the whole day.

The only one he could think of talking to about it was his brother, but soon all five of them were sitting around in the den, drinking beer and frowning for him.

As hesitant as Emil had been when Lukas told him about moving in with the three other men, they ended up being closer then his actually family ever came close to being.

They sat around, talking about all the ways Leon sucked. Lukas sat on the ground by their feet, going unnoticed as he painted their toenails. Emil's ended up being purple dark, the color Lukas usually painted them. Tino's ended up a pale pinkish purple. Berwald's, a navy color. Matthias were a fuchsia pink, as Lukas enjoyed pushing the limits with what he could do to the Dane.

He painted his own toenails as well, also in navy. He wiggled his toes as they dried, doing all this with barely a comment.

Meanwhile, the others drank and talked. It was mainly Matthias and Tino doing the talking, talking about their past loves. Primarily their high school ones, and how glad they were as adults that it was a crush and nothing more.

None of it really helped Emil. They hadn't heard the way Leon said it. The words were haunting him. _"I'm not queer." _He heard in his head, his lips pushing down. He never liked Emil. He never found Emil attractive. He never even _considered._

Emil never even had a chance.

Slowly, it got later and later. They soon stopped talking, reaching the point of being too drunk to really function, so Lukas put in a movie to shut them up. Tino was the first to drift off to bed, after realizing the time, murmuring about a morning work shift. It didn't miss Emil's notice that Berwald's eyes followed longingly after Tino, clearly wanting to follow him up to bed.

Next was Matthias and Lukas. Once the Dane passed out, Lukas sighed, forcing him to rise enough to get him up the stairs and into bed. Lukas ruffled his little brother's hair, giving him a little smile before dragging his not-boyfriend up the stairs.

Eventually, it was just Emil and Berwald sitting on the couch.

It was silent between the two of them for a long, long time. The movie played, but neither of them were watching it. Emil was considering going to bed, but that required moving which he didn't really want to do. But then, Berwald spoke up, "I'm sorry."

Emil blinked, turning his attention to the older man, "Hm?"

"It sucks. Lovin' someone who doesn't love ya back." Berwald looked down at his hands, and Emil knew instantly who Berwald thought of.

He nodded, "It really does." He sighed loudly. Well, if there was anyone to pour his heart out to, it would be Berwald. He wouldn't judge, he had experience, and it wasn't like he was a talker. So Emil started to do just that.

Explaining how it made him feel worthless and unattractive. Wondering if it would even be different if Leon were gay, feeling like he'd be rejected either way. Hating who he was with every fiber of his being, wishing he could be someone else, someone Leon would like.

"I just feel unattractive and unwanted…" He sighed gently, eyes darting away from the intense blue ones staring into his. Trusting the Swede and being intimidated by him were two different things.

Berwald was quiet for a long, long time. He simply stared at Emil's face until eventually speaking up. "Come with me." He stood, heading to the door. Emil followed after him, going to the Swede's room.

He was the only one who had a room on the first floor, and was the only one who he had never seen the room of. He was very secretive about it, not even Finland was allowed in. Emil's shock upon seeing the room was genuine.

The entire furnature set was the only thing that was expected. Naturally, it was all from Ikea, they had all seen it come in. But what in the world was the rest of the room?

It was shockingly cluttered, something unexpected from the man. There were posters all over the walls, some of them pinups of guys looking suspiciously like Tino. That however, wasn't the most distressing thing. Ladies clothes were strewn here and there, and a few dangerous looking boots and pairs of heels lined the wall to his right. Emil blinked, staring up at the Swede, unsure what to say.

Berwald picked up the closest item of ladies' clothing he could find, a pair of fishnet stockings. "Ya feel unattractive. Try it." He said, handing the stockings to the mortified teenager.

**_((I am planning on continuing~ If you like, pleaseeeeee review! The more people who review, the more likely I am to have the muse to update it. Thank you~ hugs and kisses!))_**


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